Gagne shipping out of Boston

Legions of Red Sox fans were finally able to exhale on Friday when it was announced that Eric Gagne had declined arbitration.

Scott Boras, never one to shy away from mortifying as many people as possible, made me sweat blood when he said that Gagne may accept the Red Sox’ offer.

It was an obvious ploy to drive up the price, and even though I knew Gagne would never accept, just being reminded of the possibility that he could be back in 2008 was enough to make me curl up in a blanket at night and mumble obscenities to myself.

Well, now he’s somebody else’s problem. Gagne has agreed to a one-year $10 million (?!) deal to throw little league fastballs over the fat part of the plate in Milwaukee next year.

Yes, he’s a former Cy Young winner, and for a time he was one of the best closers in the league. But he’s a few years past his prime, and he put up those gaudy numbers in a (then) extremely weak NL West, a division that greatly resembles the current NL Central.

If you’re a fan of any team other than the Red Sox you should be absolutely terrified right now, because you know what’s going to happen.

Gagne will look like a flame-throwing genius in the sad NL Central. After a year of picking on the Cardinals and Astros, some other front office moron will think he’s got his groove back and sign him to a 5-year $70 million contract so he can continue to throw pitches over the fat part of the plate in a league that can hit.

All you can do is pray that his arm rips out of socket and sails to home plate, Pujols bats it over the center field fence, and the fan who catches it won’t give it back because he has a conscience.

Seriously. It’s your only hope. 

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