Papelbon invited to Dancing with the Stars

There are two basic comedic ideas behind shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and Punkd.

1. It’s funny when someone makes an ass of themselves
2. It’s funny when someone becomes a joke without knowing it

Prank callers execute the same comedic idea, and they are generally funny because of how the unwitting participant reacts, rather than anything the prank caller himself does.

And while I normally enjoy this type of comedy, there are times when it isn’t funny to see someone become a joke. At those times I end up feeling embarrassed for myself just as much as I feel embarrassed for the person involved. 

Here are three examples:

1. John Travolta in Battlefield Earth when he had the Manny hair. I felt bad because Travolta really seemed to think he was in a good movie.
2. When Wade Boggs rode around Yankee Stadium on that damn pony (I refuse to call it a horse), I was embarrassed for Boggs, myself, and all of humanity.
3. Anytime Howard Stern invited a mentally retarded individual onto his show and repeatedly made fun of him without him knowing it. Play fair, man.

All of the above examples can be categorized into the following effects that cause me to feel internally embarrassed for the embarrassment of someone else:

The John Travolta effect: I’m indifferent about the person, but they’re ruining their life/career in front of my eyes and doesn’t know it.
The Wade Boggs effect: I have deep respect for the person, but he’s unwittingly making an ass of himself and doesn’t know it.
The Howard Stern effect: A person is being made into a joke, but does not have the mental capacity to do anything about it.

So what does this have to do with anything?

Well, on Dennis and Callahan yesterday, Jonathan Papelbon confessed that his celebratory jig dancing skills earned him an invite to be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars.

Oh.

My.

God.

On rare occasions such as the Michael Jackson 60 Minutes special and the Britney Spears MTV “comeback,” I have seen an individual simultaneously pull off both the Travolta and Stern effects. I’ve also seen the simultaneous Boggs and Stern effects, but I’ve never seen the trifecta.

The basic construction of the effects essentially prevents the trifecta, as you can’t really be indifferent to and respect an individual at the same time.

However, if Papelbon went through with the show, he would have the potential to convert the unprecedented self embarrassment sweep.

Papelbon would take care of the Boggs effect on his own just by being on the show.

The Stern effect would happen when one of the judges cracks on him and he doesn’t realize he’s being cracked on (it would happen).

The John Travolta effect would come at the expense of his dancing partner who I would be indifferent towards. You have to assume that she would have a 100% chance of suffering enduring embarrassment at the hands of Papelbon at some point during the show. There’s just no way around it.

Assuming Papelbon did reasonably well on the show, (and the guy can dance, so there’s no reason to think otherwise), we’d be looking at a full season of self embarassment, over which time he would almost definitely do something to fulfill all three effects.

I couldn’t handle it...and thankfully, Papelbon turned the offer down.

Even still, it worries me that he turned it down because of scheduling conflicts, rather than because it’s a really stupid ass thing to do.

Here’s the transcript, thanks to Dan Lamothe at Red Sox Monster.

D&C: Did you get any unusual or interesting offers as a result of either the dance or the beer box on your head? Did any sponsors contact you?

Papelbon: Yeah, they asked me on Dancing With the Stars and all this other stuff.

D&C: They did?

Papelbon: Yeah, you know, we’ve got a season going on and I can’t do that right now… I think we’re doing a miniature version of Dancing With the Stars for Mike Lowell. He’s having his foundation have a little charity get-together… We might do something like that.

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