Papelbon, Red Sox agree to one-year contract

Jonathan Papelbon agreed to a one-year $755,000 contract with the Red Sox today.

Though not quite the $900,000 he wanted, it’s a huge jump over what he would have earned had his contract simply been renewed.

Hopefully Papelbon will see this as a good faith effort by the Red Sox to make amends before the two sides go head to head in arbitration next year.

With all the contract nastiness out of the way, maybe we can all just enjoy baseball for a little while. 

There’s no crying in baseball

Dear Jonathan Papelbon, Prince Fielder, and Cole Hamels,

Please stop crying.

Randy Johnson did not cry when he exploded a dove with a fastball.

Jose Canseco did not cry when syringes were repeatedly stabbed into his ass.

John Smoltz did not cry when he pitched through a torn elbow ligament.

Robin Ventura did not cry when Nolan Ryan put him in a headlock and kicked his ass. He should have, though. That must have been humiliating.

Dave Winfield did not cry when he killed a seagull with a warm up throw. He also did not cry when the police charged him with animal cruelty.

Dodgers fans did not cry when the club signed Grady Little.

Mike Redmond did not cry when Jim Thome busted his head open with his follow through. He was too busy apologizing to Mauer for leaving the game.

Kevin Costner did not cry when he played catch with his dad in “Field of Dreams.” You did, though. It’s ok.

Craig Biggio was hit by a pitch 285 times and did not cry once.

And you guys are crying over your paychecks?

Take a lesson from BJ Upton.

Man up and play.

Papelbon wants a new contract, but he’s willing to wait

Jonathan Papelbon hasn’t been shy about wanting more money from the Red Sox.

He made $425,000 in 2007, and though he understands he doesn’t have a lot of leverage with only two years of service, he feels undervalued given what other third year All-Stars have received. “Ryan Howard got $900,000 in his third year,” said Papelbon. “There it is. It’s staring (the Red Sox) right in the face.”

Though he would like to get a deal done as soon as possible, he isn’t going to sign for less than he’s worth.

“I can’t sell myself short. I know they’re not going to give me what I want, so the question becomes, ‘How close can we get?’ If I can’t get close, they can just renew me.”

I understand that Papelbon is frustrated with the rules that require three years of service time before a player can be arbitration eligible, and six before he can enter free agency. But at this point, there isn’t a whole lot of incentive for the Red Sox to commit to a long-term extension.

Papelbon is under Red Sox control through 2011. He will be eligible for arbitration following the 2008 season, and I expect that Theo will wait until arbitration rolls around before seriously negotiating a new contract.

Remember, Papelbon is only one year removed from a season ending shoulder breakdown, so the Red Sox need to monitor him this season to make sure that he stays healthy. If he does, then maybe something will get done in the offseason. If he breaks down again, he’ll have a tough time making his arbitration case.

Papelbon seems to be approaching that possibility with the same confidence he displays...well...everywhere.

“I have no problem going year to year,” Papelbon said. “I have no doubts whatsoever, no fear, about going year to year. In fact, I’ve worked too hard to sell myself short.”

Sox get down at Lowell’s Dancing with the All Stars

Mike Lowell, Dustin Pedroia, Jonathan Papelbon and Alex Cora each made asses of themselves for charity last night.

The “Dancing with the All-Stars” event benefited Lowell’s charity, which raises money to help treat Miami and Boston kids who have cancer.

Lowell won the event, and Pedroia must be developing a little brother complex after losing to the third baseman in both ping pong and dancing over the last week.

Papelbon wore a hideous black lace shirt that he somehow pulled off.

At this point, would you flinch if Papelbon channeled Kevin Bacon in Footloose and did a back flip on the mound while yelling, “Hey, hey! What’s this I see? I thought this was a party. LET’S DANCE! “

Me neither.

Pedroia made up for his lack of drag by ripping off his shirt while he was on the dance floor and throwing it to John Henry. For reasons that will probably never be known, “Daddy” was written across his chest in glitter.

Terry Francona described Pedroia’s idiocy as follows:

“I thought I was going to have a heart attack. My chest hurt, I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. You can write that. He is a moron. He was dancing, he looked like a puppet on a string. He’s such a little gamer, but he’s looking over knowing we were crushing him. He’s drinking the Red Bull. He’s exhausted. He’s trying to do these things with this girl he’s not strong enough to do. It was hilarious.”

Sox and Dogs has some video footage if you want to take a look.

Papelbon invited to Dancing with the Stars

There are two basic comedic ideas behind shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and Punkd.

1. It’s funny when someone makes an ass of themselves
2. It’s funny when someone becomes a joke without knowing it

Prank callers execute the same comedic idea, and they are generally funny because of how the unwitting participant reacts, rather than anything the prank caller himself does.

And while I normally enjoy this type of comedy, there are times when it isn’t funny to see someone become a joke. At those times I end up feeling embarrassed for myself just as much as I feel embarrassed for the person involved. 

Here are three examples:

1. John Travolta in Battlefield Earth when he had the Manny hair. I felt bad because Travolta really seemed to think he was in a good movie.
2. When Wade Boggs rode around Yankee Stadium on that damn pony (I refuse to call it a horse), I was embarrassed for Boggs, myself, and all of humanity.
3. Anytime Howard Stern invited a mentally retarded individual onto his show and repeatedly made fun of him without him knowing it. Play fair, man.

All of the above examples can be categorized into the following effects that cause me to feel internally embarrassed for the embarrassment of someone else:

The John Travolta effect: I’m indifferent about the person, but they’re ruining their life/career in front of my eyes and doesn’t know it.
The Wade Boggs effect: I have deep respect for the person, but he’s unwittingly making an ass of himself and doesn’t know it.
The Howard Stern effect: A person is being made into a joke, but does not have the mental capacity to do anything about it.

So what does this have to do with anything?

Well, on Dennis and Callahan yesterday, Jonathan Papelbon confessed that his celebratory jig dancing skills earned him an invite to be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars.

Oh.

My.

God.

On rare occasions such as the Michael Jackson 60 Minutes special and the Britney Spears MTV “comeback,” I have seen an individual simultaneously pull off both the Travolta and Stern effects. I’ve also seen the simultaneous Boggs and Stern effects, but I’ve never seen the trifecta.

The basic construction of the effects essentially prevents the trifecta, as you can’t really be indifferent to and respect an individual at the same time.

However, if Papelbon went through with the show, he would have the potential to convert the unprecedented self embarrassment sweep.

Papelbon would take care of the Boggs effect on his own just by being on the show.

The Stern effect would happen when one of the judges cracks on him and he doesn’t realize he’s being cracked on (it would happen).

The John Travolta effect would come at the expense of his dancing partner who I would be indifferent towards. You have to assume that she would have a 100% chance of suffering enduring embarrassment at the hands of Papelbon at some point during the show. There’s just no way around it.

Assuming Papelbon did reasonably well on the show, (and the guy can dance, so there’s no reason to think otherwise), we’d be looking at a full season of self embarassment, over which time he would almost definitely do something to fulfill all three effects.

I couldn’t handle it...and thankfully, Papelbon turned the offer down.

Even still, it worries me that he turned it down because of scheduling conflicts, rather than because it’s a really stupid ass thing to do.

Here’s the transcript, thanks to Dan Lamothe at Red Sox Monster.

D&C: Did you get any unusual or interesting offers as a result of either the dance or the beer box on your head? Did any sponsors contact you?

Papelbon: Yeah, you know, we’ve got a season going on and I can’t do that right now… I think we’re doing a miniature version of Dancing With the Stars for Mike Lowell. He’s having his foundation have a little charity get-together… We might do something like that.

Papelbon’s dog didn’t eat the ball. Maybe. Possibly. Who knows?

Jonathan Papelbon sort of halfway admitted that his dog did not eat the World Series ball. 

“[This reporter] kept plugging this ball, so I finally just told him, ‘Look, man, my dog ate it, what do you want me to do?’” Papelbon said. “So if you believe it, you believe it; if you don’t, you don’t. What can I say?”

Is “if you believe it, you believe it; if you don’t, you don’t” the Mississippi version of “it is what it is?”

Papelbon to speak at Mississippi State

I can’t imagine what he’ll have to say, but Jonathan Papelbon will be speaking on February 28th at the annual “First Pitch/Meet the Team” baseball celebration at Missisippi State.

Tickets go onsale Tuesday through the MSU Athletic Ticket Office (662-325-2600). They will cost $30 a piece.

I have heard Paps speak before. He can barely fill a 30 second post-game interview. Is anybody planning to record this? I’d like to find a copy…

Papelbon: My dog ate the ball

Hattiesburg American has reported that Jonathan Papelbon still has the World Series winning baseball.

Sort of.

“My dog ate it...He plays with baseballs like they are his toys. His name is Boss. He jumped up one day on the counter and snatched it. He likes rawhide. He tore that thing to pieces. Nobody knows that. I’ll keep what’s left of it.”

Sounds familiar. I think I’ve seen your dog before.

Deciphering Papelbon

After his performance on WEEI’s Dennis and Callahan show this morning, Papelbon should be given the Dennis Green Trophy for Achievement in the Field of Nonsensical Quotes by a Sports Figure.

“I don’t think that if, for me, the way I think so far, as of right now, if I don’t sign anything right now, then I’ll probably more than likely go to arbitration or something like that.”

Ok, give me a minute. I think Lassie is trying to tell us something.

Let’s break this down:

“I don’t think...” Got it

“that if, for me...” Mmm-hmm

“the way I think so far...” I think this “I think” trumps the original “I don’t think,” so the sentence really starts here.

“as of right now...” You know, until now I always thought he was speaking to us from the future. Thanks for clearing that up, Paps.

“if I don’t sign anything right now...” Simple enough

“then I’ll probably more than likely go to arbitration or something like that.”

Ok. So I think he wants a new deal before arbitration. Or else he’s going to go through arbitration.

Holy crap.

My mind is blown.

This guy needs to keep a blog.